last night i cOuldn't sleep, havin' the flu & suffering.
i seldOmly pray, but when it feels right, i dO.
that night i started with; "sO, what shOuld i call yOu nOw, "gOd", Or "O"?
& i chOse 2 start with
"O,
sO i gOt what i asked 4;
hands that R almOst empty,
billiOns Of cOmrades
and 1, 2, maybe 3 peOple i'd still dare 2 call my friends,
still,
right nOw i'm clueless which fOllOwing step 2 take.
all my life,
when i prayed & asked 4 yOur advice,
@ least a signal, a sign,
yOu gave it 2 me
fOr which i've thanked & thank yOu
every mOment Of my life.
please,
i need such a clear answer frOm yOu again!"
these were nOt the literal wOrds i used
& i used a lOt mOre afterwards,
anyway,
that same night
yOur name came in2 my mind,
cOmbined with the things yOu['ve] put yOur bOdy, heart & sOul in2,
the[n&re] i gOt the idea Of asking yOu if we cOuld bundle Our energies,
in the first place 4 kuchu times.
& sO it happened that mOrning
& then i received yOur lOvely & warm replies!
Ok..
whO's knOcking?
hellOi,
my name is pepe,
41 years Old On this date.
3 years Old i was eager 2 learn 2 read & write
which my mOther, uncle & sesamy street lOv[e/ing]ly did.
6 years Old this same uncle gave me his Old typewriter
& frOm that time On i was a writer,
writing childrens stOries
& mOnthly magazines 4 family & friends.
14 years Old i fell in lOve with a bOy.
bOrn & raised in the rOman cathOlic religeOus traditiOns,
that was quite a shOck.
always wOre my heart On my sleeve,
sO when this happened, i tOld my parents.
that was quite a shOck.
@ that age i thOught i was guy.
later fOund Out i'm mOre bi.
nOw i prefer nOt 2 lable lOve any different than lOve.
17 years Old i started studying a training 2 becOme a teacher in the dutch language,
when i was 19 thOugh, i switched OvR 2 studying art therapy, specializatiOn drama.
studying art therapy's been a 5 years lOng persOnal therapy as well.
2 be shOrt, it taught me mOre than the lable prOmised.
still, i dOn't like lables,
sO, very sure Of watt i did,
just be4 finishing my study, i quit;
didn't want 2 have that diplOma, that lable..
that was quite an Other shOck 4 my parents.
didn't dO Our already timid band any better.
neither didn't my desiciOn
@ my 18th 2 leave the cathOlic church,
nOt because i'm nOt a religiOus &/ spiritual persOn,
mOre because i were & i still am.
it was just, yeah.. why lable it?
i have nO drivers license.
Oil.
dOn't think i need 2 say mOre.
frustrated my parents quite much, thOugh,
that i didn\t want 2 start driving lessOns 4 that reasOn.
same as it shOcked them
i preferred Organic & vegetarian fOOd.
they 4bid me, as lOng as i lived in their hOuse,
2 be trying 2 cOnsume as fair & little as pOssible.
i'm sOrry i have 2 write this.
i fear it's culture & traditiOn OvR here.
sO far.
@ 21 i wOrked 4 the natiOnal gay magazine "gay krant" 4 just a shOrt periOd.
@ 22 sOmethin', well, magickal?
@ least sOmethin' that was very impressivehappened 2 me,
i cOuld write many bOOks abOut
& maybe i already dO, yet they dOnOt carry the lable "bOOk".
let's say,
that was the first time i seriOusly cOnsidered leaving "the west",
"the spiritual third wOrld", fOr india,
what i almOst did.
almOst.
[10 sOngs frOm wide, 1998 & 1999]
after studying,
first i wOrked 2 years as a singer, dancer & entertainer @ a hOliday park.
after wOrk a friend & i sang in the duO wide
4 which i wrOte mOst Of the lyrics.
@ 26 i've been the directOr Of 2 plays Of a lOcal theatre grOup.
@ that same age i wOrked as trainer in basic knOwledge Of the cOmputer, 4 cOmpanies as well as 4 'free universities'.
nOt telling all the things i did,
nOt wanting 2 make this 2 lOng;
after that
i wOrked 8 years @ abn amrO bank.
quite a surprising step,
not just 4 me -
althOugh it alsO started after a prayer
2 that [s]O[me[&/=][thing] wh[ich/O] i can't & dOn't want 2 lable..
2 me wOrking there felt like a big chance "2 ask mOney what i felt i had 2 ask it"
( i'm nOt a big fan Of mOney,
euphemistically spOken, [1 Of the main reasOns i'm asking yOu 4 "a bed" & [veggie] fOOd 2 be able 2 keep On puttin' my bOdy, heart & sOul in the lOve 4 life i feel yOu & i &/= [many] O[thers] share; mOney cOrrupts, sO, please dOn't put me in2 "that" pOsitiOn] ).
in that same periOd
i was singer in the band fireflies.
we released 2 ep's & 2 albums,
the 2007 album yOu can listen Over here if yOu like.
well, & nOw yOu knOw the way 2 my yOutube-accOunt.
please, feel free. it's there 2 share.
sO nOw i'm jObless as it is labled OvR here
& in many OthR cOuntries with names.
5 years nOw.
sent manies & manies Of applicatiOns, as is Ordered,
and literally never gOt any, any, reply.
[ & nOw 1 apllicatiOn 2 uganda.. ( : ) ]
never quit writing, thOugh.
& lOng live sOcial media!
2013, a year after having jOined the Occupy mOvement in nijmegen,
frOm the beginning 2 the [tent-]end,
this idea Of "Owriting" &/= "Oschrift [in dutch]"
which can['t] be explained with [mOre] wOrds (if desired).
these days fascistic & fundamentalistic vOices R grOwing
&/ seem 2 be [heard] lOudR than be4,
@ least in the sO-called "west".
being "white" myself, thOugh,
bOrn & raised in the netherlands, lOOking back,
sOmetimes it feels as if nOt much / nOthin' changed @ all;
[white] peOple just seem 2 dare 2 express it mOre Openly
& pOlitics prOfits frOm that.
well, lemme try 2 nOt becOme 2 extensive here ( :
& here we R,
dear kasha jacqueline,
dear O,
the 19th Of may, 2015.
feels like all the decisiOns i described in this blOg pOst fall in their place.
